Archive for the 'Food' Category



06
Sep
09

Keep the Change

In New York, one is blessed with good bagels. The best I have found are Kossar’s Bialys on the Lower East Side and Times Square Bagel. There must be dozens of others in the five boroughs, but these are the ones I have made a part of my life.

I found them on accident, between the subway and the office. But you can easily tell which ones are the good ones. The interiors are not clean. Poppy seeds and sesame seeds are scattered across the floor, as if to draw an army of birds. Large salt crystals and flour and flakes of dried garlic and onion. There are no fancy light fixtures or display cases. These places concentrate on the baked goods,not the presentation.

On the way in to work, I stopped at a cafe across the street from my building for a bagel and a banana.

One bland bagel with entirely the wrong texture, plus one banana, which took more energy and expense to transport to New York from the tropics than I can possibly justify with any nutritional benefit, came to a total of $2.50.

He readied his two quarters as I handed over three dollar bills

He dropped the coins into my hand, and before I could walk away, he slipped a bill out of the three I had given him.

He had slightly raised his chin and looked at me down the length of his nose. It was regal or perhaps arrogant. It could even be taken for suspiciousness. Maybe I had given him too much and it was gentle mocking to be more careful with my money.

I reached out and cautiously took it.

Maybe he was mistaken and only thought I had handed him $4 or that the total was really $1.50.

Yes, maybe I was going to end up on top here. Get more than I deserved. Take advantage of someone else’s mistake. I always feel tested in these moments. It was only a dollar. No great loss to him. But what did I think I was getting away with? How petty.

I lingered a bit in this moment, and I decided to say something.

“I gave you three dollars,” I said.

“Yes,” he said.

I raised an eyebrow and cocked my head slightly.

In that moment I realized what that curious look on his face had meant. He was not making an error, nor had I given him too much. His grand expression was one of serene endowment. I am giving this to you, he seemed to say.

“Buy Lotto,” he said. “350 million.”

I’m accustomed to bartenders buying me the odd drink. But I’m not a regular at this cafe. Why would he give me a buck?

Maybe he knows how crappy his bagels are.

Why would he give me a buck? Why not?

06
May
09

Not Quite Gay Enough

My office conducted its second annual bake-off last week. As if a bake-off isn’t gay enough, ours is now annual. And it inspires some fierce competition.

Last year we had two teams. It was the programming department versus the online production department. This year, we had so many people take interest that there were three teams.

2009 Bake-Off
That’s me in the back of the second team, striking the Charlie’s Angels pose with an electric mixer. This is what gay cable networks get up to when no one is looking — in case you were wondering. I wonder what Bravo does.

The rules are simple: We are each to make a sweet dessert, each one containing at least three ingredients and yielding at least 15 servings. And we must bring out own serving implements.

The entire staff may vote once for the desserts they think are the best in three categories: Gayest, Most Original and Outrageous, and Best Overall. The team with the most accumulated points among its members wins.

My boss and I teamed up last year to win the Best Overall with deep-fried apple pies. He made the dough, and I made the filling and schlepped the deep-fryer. And our team won. So this year it was a grudge match for Programming.

I briefly considered some heinous concoction or other from a ’50s-era, Good Housekeeping, Lutheran church basement pot-luck social cookbook. Something with lime Jell-O, marshmallows, cottage cheese and mustard. Or something. But the online department had a theme: All our desserts were to contain some sort of booze. We called ourselves Alco-Locas, our not-subtle tribute to Nina Flowers.

Grasshopper brownies with creme de menthe seemed a bit more palatable, but it didn’t seem gay enough. I wanted something a bit more fancy-pants and challenging. So I settled on a friend’s suggestion, Lillet-flavored marshmallows.

Lillet marshmallows
We called them ‘Get Lillet’d Marshmallows’

For shits and giggles I made them pink and cut them into triangles. How gay can you get?

Apparently it wasn’t gay enough.

A chocolate-and-nut confection rolled in coconut won Gayest. Yummy Balls they were called. How coarse! Can you believe it? Over pink marshmallow triangles — flavored with a French wine aperitif!

Well, I have to hand it to my proud and worthy competitor for a well-named dessert. People just couldn’t get enough of his balls. So many people had his balls in their mouth that day. Coworkers would ask each other if they’d had his balls yet.

And so on…

Here are a few of the notable competitors.

2009 Bake-Off competitors
From top left, clockwise: Yummy Balls, Macadamia Nut Pie, 80-Proof Irish Car Bomb Gay-teaux, Eat My Cookie Cocktail, Tarte au Citron, Poached Pears in Red Wine with Lime Mousse.

Team 3, “Sons of Batches,” won in a delicious upset with the most accumulated points. But the Programming department had the most individual winning desserts. And Online… well, let’s just say we got served.

Best Overall Dessert was a tie this year between the Poached Pears and the Irish Car Bomb Gay-teaux. (Those cupcakes sure packed a wallop!)

Most Original and Outrageous went to a dessert involving a ginger-sugar rimmed champagne-ginger cocktail and a gingersnap. The Eat My Cookie Cocktail. Yes, it was very ginger. Very precious. Like me, its maker was disappointed he didn’t get Gayest. But I do absolutely think he deserves the title he got.

Some other notable entries included:

  • Benedictine Ice Cream Sandwiches with Peanut Butter Cookie Tops and Bottoms (Quite a mouthful!)
  • Cumquat Galettes and Cherry Dark Chocolate Galettes With Homemade Ice Cream (Note the intentional, naughty misspelling. Can you get away with this where you work?)
  • Guinness “Bottoms Up” Brownies
  • Tira-mi-so-horny

I’m already studying up for next year. I can see I’m gonna have to pull out the big guns. It’s gonna involve fire. Baked Alaska? Cherries Jubilee, anyone?

27
Jan
09

No Vegetables After Midnight

At a diner in center city Philadelphia, the Midtown III Diner and Cocktail Lounge, a friend of mine was recently seated for an after-hours snack. As he picked up the menu, the waitress told him gruffly, “No vegetables after midnight.”

I wonder if that includes french fries and ketchup, or if he was forced to choke down a plate of bacon and liverwurst.

27
Jan
09

Better Than Haggis?

Because this is New York and you can get virtually every kind of food at virtually any time of day, I suppose my coworker’s euphemistic reference to “Scottish food” lends a certain credibility to an otherwise nutritionally meritless McDonald’s lunch.

Even funnier to me is his reluctance to eat any meat product from McDonald’s, hence his characteristic cheeseburgers with no beef. They’re like a soft, sugary grilled cheese sandwich with ketchup and onions.

With standards so peculiar, I imagine it takes a number of visits to a consistent McDonald’s to get the counter staff to stop giving you that look.

cheeseburger

To each his own.

03
Dec
08

Cooking with Cream

From the Didn’t Want to Know files… Guess what’s in this:

semen dessert
Click to find out.

Didn’t know you could cook it.

07
Aug
08

Breakfast Chemistry

Oh! What chemicals must there be in my breakfast sandwich that it only takes 10 seconds to cook! I watched the woman assemble it from pieces in two refrigerated drawers: one for the egg, one for the sausage. She dropped on a slice of American cheese, wrapped the sandwich in paper, and threw the bundle into a microwave. She pressed three buttons, and 10 seconds later, I was paying for it.

04
Aug
08

What French Fries Can Reveal

While he shakes his ketchup out of the bottle into a neat puddle on the side of his plate, I always drizzle it Jackson Pollock-like across my own nest of French fries. It reminds me that no matter how long I have known him, and no matter what lies ahead of us, sometimes we two are strangers.

22
Apr
08

Breakfast Yet?

How is it acceptable to crack open a chicken egg, shake out the snot inside, whip it up and fry it? What historical accident led to this? I could understand if someone decided that an egg on its own was something to be squished and swallowed raw. It’s practically a liquid. Lord knows I’ve swallowed worse. But to whip it up, cook it, flip it? Seriously?

Don’t get me wrong: A cooked egg is a step in the right direction. But I just don’t see what possessed someone to try so hard.

And why chicken eggs? I find the thought of caviar revolting, let alone the odor. Let alone the texture. And what makes a chicken egg any better? You go to the store to buy eggs. Chicken eggs. You order a three-egg omelette. Three chicken eggs. Why not turkey eggs? Pheasant eggs? Turtle eggs?

Ugh. Egg. Even the word sort of oozes. Buy they are sort of marvelous, aren’t they? Butter. Tarragon. Cream cheese. Chives. Salt and pepper. On toast.

With bacon.

Mmmmm…

02
Apr
08

Emphasis on the “Crack”

The best cheese-flavored cracker by far is Cheez-it. For having such a silly name, they sure are irresistible.

Goldfish crackers are fun, but only fun. You put them in lunch boxes. You push them with your spoon and make them swim through your tomato soup. Kids’ stuff. Plus, they’ve been ruined by the recent addition of little smiley faces.

Some swear by Better Cheddar, but I don’t think they can hold a candle to the salty, zippy goodness of Cheez-it, with an aftertaste in the back of the throat just slightly acidic enough to reinforce that you are not eating something good for you — and you do not care.

You always feel the temptation to put something on a big round cracker like Better Cheddar (because they’re not good enough on their own!), but a Cheez-it is perfect in its simple square singularity.

And I’m talking the original little glowing orange numbers, not that high-falutin’ “white cheddar” nonsense. The further we get from pretending this has anything to do with real cheese, the better.

You want to put something on a cracker? For my money, I will always choose a Triscuit. Those things are like sand-paper through your bowels, but they are so satisfying and grainy and salty and sturdy. Simplicity and utility. One feels virtuous with a plate full of Triscuits. Again, rosemary and olive oil flavoring? Get thee behind me. Original only, please. You want rosemary, go hack down some from your neighbor’s flower box yourself.

Of course for the truest experience in cracker addiction, go for a box of Chicken in a Biskit. They sure are weird. But, oh man, are they tasty!

29
Jan
08

Feed Me. Now. OK… Now. (No, really. Now!)

The fat one is ruled by that weird little beeping box. It’s perfectly ridiculous. Any sensible cat knows when she is hungry from the emptiness inside. But this one waits until that box bleeps every morning before rising to feed me. Despite the plainly stated reminders I gently whisper from across the room in my softly melodious voice.

Sometimes he’ll get my hopes up when he stirs. But as I dash toward the door, fervently calling out my thanks over my shoulder, I am often met with a pillow he has sent sailing across the room instead of the reverberating thuds of his footsteps.

The thin one doesn’t even move, unless it’s to pack his pillow more tightly around his head.

It’s enough to drive a self-respecting housecat to hunt. Right. Hunt what, exactly? Dust bunnies? In this dismal prison I have been reduced to such desperate acts as shredding whole rolls of toilet paper, or climbing atop dressers and tables and nudging artfully selected items to the floor.

To add insult to injury, they are also giving me less food these days. If they are not careful, I could lose weight, and we can’t have that. I mean, would they dare? Is it possible? In this place they have removed all exercise from my otherwise active and vigorous lifestyle. Sometimes I need to gallop from one wall to another just to produce a heart beat, just to prove I still can. Now I need to take 20 naps a day instead of my customary 18. I am all but forced to sit at the window, looking out into open air — where is the grass, by the way? the trees? — at those pesky, those dirty, those delicious pigeons.

If they don’t begin to treat me better, I think I will kill a mouse or a large insect and leave it on their bed.

I could do it, too.




the untallied hours

the tweets


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