Archive for January, 2007

26
Jan
07

Kidney Tones (with apologies to Jeff)

   
From the cover art of Wain’s 2001 release That Was Then, This is Now
[myspace.com/wainmcfarlane]

These days, my good friend Wain sticks mainly to cranberry juice. He jokes now about his bar tab. Not long ago, he’d drop a twenty at the most on a night out, because so many people would buy him drinks and the bartenders would do him favors. But no one gets anyone a cranberry juice, even good friends. He has to buy his own. And at a bar they charge you like it’s a cocktail. So now he spends much more not drinking than he ever did drinking.

He’s no alcoholic, and this is no 12-step program. Trust me, if he had his druthers, Wain would be back to the booze — free or not. But he’s got a problem with his kidneys that makes alcohol highly … um … disagreeable to his system. He’s on doctor’s orders. (And when that doctor is from the Mayo Clinic, one doesn’t argue.)

Wain’s kidneys are functioning at roughly 6 percent capacity. He needs a new one pretty badly. And as a musician, he doesn’t have heaps of disposable income and he doesn’t have great health insurance. He does have three things, however, in abundance: luck, friends and connections.

The luck came in at a bar in Walker, Minnesota, out in the north woods. He plays up there sometimes. At this bar, by chance, he met a doctor. That doctor knew a kidney specialist at Mayo. And suddenly there was Wain’s golden opportunity. Introductions made … 87 miles each way between Minneapolis and Rochester, Minnesota … tests taken … and voilà! We have a surgeon and we have a donor (one of Wain’s brothers).

The friends came in shortly thereafter. A bunch of musicians decided to get together to produce a benefit concert on March 10. Wain fronted a funk/reggae band in the ’80s and ’90s called Ipso Facto, and he’s been around the block a few times, having played with Prince’s band, Dave Pirner, Jonny Lang, UB40, Tracy Chapman and scores of others. This is where connections come in.

A few years back, Wain’s brother was Cyndi Lauper’s tour manager, and she became friendly with the family. Wain tells me he once saw her at a party in a gorilla costume. A musician he mentored toured with her. When she performed at the Minnesota State Fair in 2004, she let Wain sing “Time After Time” with her, letting him ad lib a verse dedicated to his late sister. She brought him back out on stage for “Girls Just Want to Have Fun,” which Wain and her bass player spun into an impromptu reggae jam.

A connection.

   
[cyndilauper.com]

So, we are told, Ms. Lauper has graciously agreed to lend some of her time and abundant talent to the cause. And many other people he’s worked with are helping out, too: Lifehouse, Mint Condition, Soul Asylum. You can read about it on her Web site.

Wain was our neighbor for more than three years. His wife Catherine, another good friend, was our landlady. He sang at our wedding. We planted vegetable gardens and herb gardens together. They babysat our cat. We’ve had Easters and Thanksgivings. We’ve dined on curried goat. We’ve toasted aquavit. He once gave us 15 lbs. of crab legs (there wasn’t enough room in his freezer for 30 lbs.) because the parents of a kid he tutored are fishmongers and they paid Wain in fish.

We just saw Wain right before Christmas. And I guess we’ll be back in March. Apparently he thinks we don’t visit enough, so he’s hauling out the heavy ammunition. I’ll take any excuse to go back to my adopted home for a visit. Even in a month as c-c-cold as March. But it’s not Cyndi Lauper who’s luring us back. It’s the prospect of being part of a concert full of people who are there to give their love to my friend.

(Truth be told, having Cyndi Lauper there, too, doesn’t hurt.)

To all my Minnesotans: Please buy tickets!

21
Jan
07

Train, in Vain

Please use all available doors. Stand aside of passengers entering and exiting the train. Please stand clear of the closing doors.

How many times do I hear this? How many hours of my life do I spend on the F train?

How many times do people refuse to obey these simple rules?

My favorite times are when the conductors call people out, when they scold them and talk to them like they’re four years old. Usually they deserve it.

One morning last week, while we were stopped at West 4th, headed south, a man stepped between the closing door. He was asking people outside the train a question. He turned back inside and asked someone else a question. I presume the same one, though I couldn’t hear him. I was just coming to attention, out of that staring-into-nothing, looking-for-meaning-in-subway-ads commuter’s haze, just becomming aware of the people around me.

No one was responding to him. It was like he was invisible. Or crazy. Or some other ignorable species. But he was real, right there, holding up the train, stopping us from getting to work.

“Please stand clear of the closing doors!” the conductor said emphatically over the intercom.

The man continued to stand there. People began to show their exasperation, including me. I heard several sighs.

Answer him, you idiots, I thought. Let’s get going.

“The reason the train is not moving,” explained the conductor with false calm, “is that there is a passenger holding the doors open. Please stand clear of the closing doors!”

He asked his question again to someone sitting nearby who just sort of dismissively shrugged and shook his head. The man turned to me. He was dressed like anyone else. He didn’t look homeless or dirty or crazy. He seemed foreign, maybe, but his English was clear.

“Does this train go to Canal Street?” he said.

Is this all he wanted? No one could answer him this simple question? Everyone this far south on the F train at this time of day, with only four stops left before Brooklyn, should know that we are not going to hit Canal Street.

“No,” I said. “No it doesn’t.”

He relaxed his shoulders a little bit, went a little less stiff, widened his eyes. “Thank you!” he said.

I got the impression he was emphasizing this. Thanking me, to set me apart from all the others. I was at once pleased with myself and annoyed with everyone else who had ignored him. Would they rather simply be annoyed with him for holding the doors than to give him a hand and help ourselves in the process. His tone made me feel like I had just shown him the greatest kindness. It was kind of embarrassing. I had done nothing — apart from take 12 seconds to notice the people around me. Now, if I’d told him to transfer there for the A, C or E train, that would have been something

He stepped aside, the doors closed, separating him further from us, and the train lurched into motion.

19
Jan
07

Busted

On the F train home from work today, I noticed a woman sitting not far from me across the aisle. She was accompanied by two men about her age. There wasn’t enough room in the car for them to sit together, so all three of them were on separate pieces of seating.

I was trying to get a good look at the woman’s teeth, surreptitiously, as one does on the subway, distracted by the jagged and unaligned row in her lower jaw and the horse-like protrusion of the upper row. She was talking and making faces in conversation very freely, unashamed — and why shouldn’t she be? Still, I did have the word “snaggletooth” on my mind. Not a personal judgment, right? Just an observation. Just feeling lucky — or, rather, just being aware of her misfortune.

One of her friends, who was sitting nearer to me on my side of the car, gestured toward her, and she extended her foot toward him. He tied her shoe, and she lowered her foot again.

The old man directly across from me turned his head away from them. He had been watching them interact, smiling at the guy tying her shoe. I looked back at the two, and saw how they were looking at each other, how they spoke. Of course! They were a couple. The old man was on to it. And I was noticing the wrong thing completely all along. There was much more to say about the shoe-tying than about her crooked teeth.

18
Jan
07

Mmm, Jurors…

The most valuable thing I learned today at jury duty is to never throw away my lunch voluntarily.

It’s my first time ever on jury duty. I reported this morning at 8:30 in Jamaica Center and noticed immediately signs posted all over the entrance to the courthouse: “NO FOOD OR DRINK IN THIS BUILDING.”

I took a quick few gulps of the bottle of water I was carrying and tossed it in a nearby trashcan.

Now, I had packed a lunch this morning. In fact, doing so, coupled with the disorienting break in my routine, had nearly made me late to the courthouse. I briefly considered stashing certain pieces of it in my coat pockets, but I thought better of it, in view of the x-ray machines. They’d find it anyway. Rather than be the dummy who didn’t read the signs in the eyes of the security guards, I thought it better to dispose of it altogether. So I dropped my perfect, neatly packed brown bag into the can. Thunk! A bagel with cream cheese, celery sticks, four Oreo cookies, a banana and an orange — wasted.

For much of the day afterward, I was completely distracted, you might say “obsessed,” in retrospect by this decision.

  1. I hate throwing away food on principle. For me, it’s a question of morality. I eat all leftovers. I clean my plate.
  2. I was almost late to court for making the damn thing in the first place.
  3. The kicker: On the other side of the security checkpoint, people blithely strolled around with McDonalds and bagels and coffee and bags of this and that as if there had been no signs.

So, not only did I feel totally morally compromised, I also felt stupid for throwing money away and being duped by a completely fake rule. To boot, rather than scold these rampant food-carryers, the officer who gave us all our instructions told us that we could leave to get food at any time — and bring it back to the juror lounge! We just couldn’t bring glass bottles in. Whoop-ti-do.

So, what were those signs for?

I hate them.

Apparently the security guards don’t take them seriously, either: One such sign had been amended with a piece of paper, a Sharpie and some scotch tape to read: “NO FOOD OR DRINK IN THIS BUILDING — EXCEPT JURORS.”

So, I bought myself a lunch across the street later on. And rather than bring it inside the building, I sat outside on a slab of granite and ate it there. It was 20 degrees outside, but it was actually rather pleasant in the sun when the wind died down.

17
Jan
07

From Sí to Shining Sí

 
Ugly? Not really. Fun? You bet your ass.
[abc.go.com]

I can’t put it any more simply: I love Ugly Betty. Congratulations to América Ferrera for winning the best actress Golden Globe for a TV show comedy!

Forget all the feel-good nonsense about ugly vs. pretty and our culture’s insistent, insidious focus on glamour over substance. I mean, sure, give Jason Mraz a gold star for his earnest, cutsie ditty about “beauty in ugly.” He really gets it, right? Right. Of course, all that stuff is true. And obvious. Get her some lighter eyewear, lose the braces and cut that hair back, and she’s not really ugly. It’s marketing. It collapses on itself. And the conceit is so manufactured, I take it for granted. So leave it for the American Studies majors to digest in their pop culture theses.

What’s the really important impact of this show? It’s fun. And it’s about bloody time someone besides Marc Cherry is doing something to save TV from itself.

There’s a mystery woman in a veil obscured in darkness, marital infidelity, flashbacks to a fiery death, shadiness at the top of a publishing corporation, interoffice romance and intrigue, a plot to undermine a reluctant hero … and all kinds of standouts making the cliché not only bearable — but brilliant.

Vanessa Williams is at the best I’ve seen her. I loathed her “Save the Best for Last” days. But now, her high-camp evil set to medium-low burn is almost enough to make Glenn Close curse her own career as cheap and worthless. (Almost. No one can touch Glenn Close.) Eric Mabius: just plain yummy as a player with a heart of gold. A little rough around the edges, I think — but I hope I look half as good with crow’s feet (which, the way things are going, can’t be more than a couple more years off). We love cutie Michael Urie, whose Marc St. James is so gay it hurts. And welcome to America, Ashley Jensen! (She plays the so-Scottish-I-can-barely-understand-her-despite-years-of-watching-Eastenders seamstress and Betty confidante, and you should see her as the hapless Maggie in the HBO/BBC series Extras.)

And THANK GOD for the return of Judith Light! What a triumph! Good-bye, “Who’s the Boss” — hello, “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf”! Her resurrection of the lanky, wise-cracking, self-absorbed, argumentative, alcoholic blonde archetype warms my superficial gay heart. She is Patsy Stone with Long Island Lockjaw.

Plus, Betty lives in a sound-stage replica of my neighborhood. Always a good sign.

15
Jan
07

La Linea

 
Metta il resto della linea qui!
[TV5.org]

Who remembers this guy?

If anyone is looking for a highly effective and entertaining way to waste some time (apart from reading this), I recommend checking out a series of cartoon shorts called La Linea. I guess there were about 100 of them made by an Italian cartoonist named Osvaldo Cavandoli in the early ’70s. In each episode, he draws a single white line, of which the ill-tempered main character is a part, and he presents him with various sadistic obstacles and the objects he uses to overcome them. And it’s all in jibberish, so there’s no need for translation.

When I was little, I’d see one of these little clips every day on an embarrassingly memorable kids’ morning show called The Great Space Coaster. These things still crack me up. I could watch them all over and over. I love the très européan hand gestures and the simple expressions of emotion, especially when he turns to cuss out the cartoonist.

One can find them on the French TV5 Web site or, naturally, on YouTube, where there’s even a naughty sex-themed episode available. (I didn’t see this one as a kid!)

Here’s a good one:




the untallied hours