… but enough about me

The best cheese-flavored cracker by far is Cheez-it. For having such a silly name, they sure are irresistible.

Goldfish crackers are fun, but only fun. You put them in lunch boxes. You push them with your spoon and make them swim through your tomato soup. Kids’ stuff. Plus, they’ve been ruined by the recent addition of little smiley faces.

Some swear by Better Cheddar, but I don’t think they can hold a candle to the salty, zippy goodness of Cheez-it, with an aftertaste in the back of the throat just slightly acidic enough to reinforce that you are not eating something good for you — and you do not care.

You always feel the temptation to put something on a big round cracker like Better Cheddar (because they’re not good enough on their own!), but a Cheez-it is perfect in its simple square singularity.

And I’m talking the original little glowing orange numbers, not that high-falutin’ “white cheddar” nonsense. The further we get from pretending this has anything to do with real cheese, the better.

You want to put something on a cracker? For my money, I will always choose a Triscuit. Those things are like sand-paper through your bowels, but they are so satisfying and grainy and salty and sturdy. Simplicity and utility. One feels virtuous with a plate full of Triscuits. Again, rosemary and olive oil flavoring? Get thee behind me. Original only, please. You want rosemary, go hack down some from your neighbor’s flower box yourself.

Of course for the truest experience in cracker addiction, go for a box of Chicken in a Biskit. They sure are weird. But, oh man, are they tasty!