Archive Page 36

06
Nov
06

Nothing Like Rudolph

 
A Cylon centurion, c. 1978, from the original Battlestar Galactica series

When I was a kid, I had recurring dreams that the Cylons from Battlestar Galactica were after me. We’d see them approaching down the street, and my mom would wrap me in an afghan and hide me behind the couch. She’d politely let them in when they knocked at the door (yes, they knocked), and I’d hear them clunking through the house, searching for me. I was sure they’d capture me and kill me or make me into a human slave. No matter what their plans might have been, the worst part was he thought of them taking me away from my house.

After a few minutes of coming dangerously close (but not close enough!), they’d always give up and leave, promising that they would come back again some other time. I’d pop up from behind the couch, pull the blanket off myself, breathe a heavy sigh, wipe my sweaty forehead, and give my mom a big hug.

Last night, in a bizarre throwback to my childhood, I had a dream that a reindeer was trying to get me. I was my present age. It was winter. I was at my grandma’s house in suburban Detroit, where reindeer usually glow with electric persistence, are made of plastic and stand in people’s front yards from Thanksgiving to New Year’s Day.

Looking out the kitchen window, I saw a reindeer trudging across the lawn to the front door. I couldn’t tell if he was friendly or not, but he was sort of mangey and dirty, and it looked like his antlers had been sawed off.

 
A far friendlier-looking reindeer than the one in my dream.

As he approached the door, I opened it to meet him. He looked menacingly at me and demanded, “Let me in.”

“No,” I said, startled not so much by the reindeer’s ability to speak as by his foul mood. “What do you want?”

“Let me in!”

I slammed the door and snapped it locked. He scratched half-heartedly at the storm door and loped away.

It occurred to me that he might try the side door and come in through the kitchen. My heart was racing. What could he want? What would he do if he got inside? I ran to the garage and got to the door just as the reindeer was charging toward me. I locked the door and leaned against it for reinforcement. He stoped short of ramming the door and put his eye up to the window. He was clearly very angry. I wondered if he had some sort of disease. And what did he want with me anyway?

“Open the door!” he demanded. “Let me in!” His breath fogged over the glass.

“No!” I shouted and ran back into the house, hoping he’d get bored and just leave me alone.

20
Oct
06

Why Project Runway Works

1. Tim Gunn has unimpeachable integrity.
I love Tim Gunn.

I want him to be my older brother. His earnestness, his meticulous dress, his deep throaty voice and his intense pride in the designers bring me such comfort each week. There are rules, and by golly, Tim Gunn will follow them. And he had a lot to contend with this season: Keith gets kicked off the show; Jeffrey makes Angela’s mom cry; Jeffrey nearly gets kicked off, himself. He even had to deal gracefully with Keith coming back for the reunion episode and presenting his assinine conspiracy theories. Plus, there were the usual, weird twists and turns the producers dreamt up. But he treats all situations as true opportunities for his designers to learn, to shine and to win. It is clear that he is an educator and a mentor to each of the competitors. He seems to hate to burst anyone’s bubble, but he is always totally honest, and his advice always benefits the designers. The losers may resent the judges, but I think they all walk away respecting Tim Gunn.

2. It’s educational.
I don’t know anything about fashion. Who does? The judges. They know what they’re talking about. I love to hear their critiques. Desn’t mean anythign to me most of the time, but they force me to believe it.

3. The drama is real, not contrived.
A bunch of artists are brought together to show their stuff and compete against each other. They have egos. They have ideas. They have their eyes on the prize. And they’re on camera. What choice do they have but to have slashes and conflicts? Doesn’t take a casting genius to work that one out. Real personalities come out under real circumstances.

4. The competition is real.
These poor people are put through the ringer. They are given some curve balls from week to week. And I am amazed that they don’t just crack sometimes.

Each episode, with it’s miniature runway show, is a microcosm of the whole thing, the culmination, the finale at Fashion Week. It’s like reliving the drama every week. And it all builds naturally to a logical and highly entertaining conclusion.

5. These designers are true colleagues and competitors.
It’s like summer camp. They work together. They learn from each other. They advise each other. They inspire each other. And they know that any week could brig the fluke that gets the knocked off the show. None of them is safe, so they pull for each other. They want to win, but sometimes I think they don’t want anyone to lose. Even after Laura’s accusations of fraud nearly got Jeffrey kicked off the show, I believe they understood each other better. I believe that Jeffrey doesn’t hate her. And I believe that the playing field was absolutely level. This goes back to the notion of integrity.
After someone gets kicked off, people are so sad. And when someone wins, they are genuinely happy. The hugs look and feel so good.

If they hated each other, this show would be boring and stupid.

6. The judges have real compassion.
They sound like bitches at times, but they want to see beauty, and they usually do. And I just love to hear the judges say nice things about people. Even if they miss the mark, the designers clearly have passion and their work has artistic merit; and I love that the judges get that, and say so.

7. The competitors are actually talented.
These people are pulling out all the stops to do their best work. It matters to them. And even if I’m surprised or disappointed to see certain designers cut during the season, I have no doubt by the last episode that these final competitors are the ones who belong there. We viewers have something to believe in and someone to cheer for.

8. The result is something beautiful, not something ugly and sad.
We’re not voting people off the island. We’re not forming alliances to take anyone down. We’re not watching hook-ups in the hot tub. We’re not watching families melt down. We’re not watching husbands trading their psychopathic wives. We’re not watching spoiled socialites soving their hands into the wombs of livestock, pretending to care about how “simple” people live. These are artists. These are craftspeople. What is captured on this series is the product of years of real work for each of them. And week after week, nearly without fail, they produce something beautiful.

9. Even the losers can succeed.
These people have a future after this show. They are talented. If they weren’t, they wouldn’t be on the show. Just by virtue of being on the show, they have enough publicity to make some hay. And each of the four finalists, whether they won the fashion Week competition or not, has gained enough notoriety and has shown enough consistent good work that they could easily ride this thing through to a successful career. Not everyone will be in Elle, maybe, but not everyone can be, and not everyone needs to be.

16
Sep
06

Drip, Drip, Drop

Sometimes I prefer to be rained on than to use an umbrella.

14
Sep
06

Why Kathy Bates Will Save the World

My better half is watching Misery on Lifetime-Television-For-Women right now, and I just overheard:

He didn’t get out of the COCKADOODIE CAR!

God, I love Kathy Bates. As if blithely bearing her tits in all their overweight, middle-aged glory in About Schmidt wasn’t enough to earn my respect, she also plays one of the best secondary characters on TV in Six Feet Under (as well as directing a few of the episodes).

And, of course, who could forget good old psychopathic Annie Wilkes from Misery?

You! You dirty bird! How could you?

Misery is alive. Misery is alive! Oh, this whole house is going to be full of romance. Oooh, I am going to put on my Liberace records!

At the feedstore do I say, “Oh, now Wally, give me a bag of that F-in’ pig feed, and a pound of that bitchly cow corn”? At the bank do I say, “Oh, Mrs. Malenger, here is one big bastard of a check, now give me some of your Christ-ing money!”

14
Sep
06

Norway, José

KARE 11, a TV station in the Twin Cities, has issued an ad campaign in — what else? — Norwegian. At the end, he even says, “Ya, you betcha.” They’re promoting their new weatherman. And let me tell you, weather(man) or not — this kid is a little hunk of cute.

With a name like Sven Sundgaard, he sounds like he owns a coffee shop in Lake Wobegon. What choice is there? It begs for a little Scandinavian navel-gazing.

14
Sep
06

I Love Project Runway. I Hate Project Runway.

I once counted myself as one of the proud few who did not fall for mind-numbing reality TV crap. American Idol — Love Kelly Clarkson. What red-blooded American homosexual man doesn’t? But Who Wants to be a Superhero? If this is the evolution being televised, please spare me.

However…

The clouds part and a fiery chariot descents to earth to bring us … Project Runway.

I. Love. Project Runway. As far this particular reality show goes, I have dismounted my high horse. It takes a subject that makes no sense to me whatsoever — fashion — and makes into a backdrop for some really good human drama. These people live together. They are made to run around like chimpanzees trying to work out how to reach the bananas.

I simultaneously love and hate the contrivances and twists that are engineered to create drama for those poor contestants. The third season may be the best so far, but I’m worried about Seasons 5 and 6 and 7. Already they’ve been made to design for each others’ mothers and sisters (with the result that one was reduced to tears). They’ve designed for dogs. They’ve used recyclable trash as fabric. What will they make those designers do in a few years? Create underwear for each other? Design dresses for the male contestants to model? Use human waste as dyes and pigments?

Tonight, in a move both brilliant and cynical, they brought back two of the designers who had previously been removed. I nearly shit myself when I saw Vincent again. I hate Vincent. (No, Eric… You hate how Vincent behaves.) I guess it makes sense: They have some talent; maybe it was bum luck that got them removed. And they got booted off anyway, along with the pageant queen Kayne, much to my dismay.

I am now Project Runway‘s bitch. Yeah, daddy. Do it.

14
Sep
06

R.I.P., Oddfellows


[oddfellowsrestaurant.com]

My favorite restaurant in all the world was a darling little number in Northeast Minneapolis. (“was” … It hurts just saying that.) It was attached to a gay bar called Boom! under the same ownership. I just learned that the venerable gay-owned Oddfellows closed down on the 10th and Boom! will pull up stakes later this month, which makes me very, very sad. Some heteros got in on the “Nordeast” economic boom and bought them out, I guess.

Oddfellows always claimed it wasn’t a “gay restaurant,” which I found to be a.) usually inaccurate given the clientel, and b.) irrelevant and a slightly off-putting designation.

However, their chow was magnificent. The menu changed every season and was always fresh. Oddfellows described its food as “Contemporary American Cuisine with an ‘odd’ twist of flavors from around the world.” (Read the description here, before their Web site completely disappears.) Their orange-lacquered pork tenderloin was one of the finest dishes on earth. And I once had a lavender-infused custard dessert there that nearly made me mess my pants. Oddfellows taught me to appreciate excellent gourmet food in human-sized (read: non-Applebee’s) portions, and to not be so uptight about a high restaurant bill — as long as it’s worth it. And it always was.

The inimitable Dara Moskowitz of the alternative news and arts weekly CityPages predicted upon its opening that it would become a “big destination restaurant.”

 
The shingle soon to be removed.
[oddfellowsrestaurant.com]

The restaurant and bar occupied a historic building (c. 1891), the meeting lodge of the Independent Order of Oddfellows. Lots of exposed brick and holes in the wall where heavy timber floor joices once inserted. The high pressed-tin ceiling throughout was cool. The blonde woodwork was a little bit too “Target” for my taste, and the stainless steel bar felt a little cold to me. But it was always clean and bright.

I’ll miss that place. Lots of anniversaries, birthdays, Valentine’s Days and impromptu “fancy” dinners out.

As for Boom!, I can take it or leave it. As a bar, it was not remarkable. The burgers were fantastic, and the fries were tasty (both were from the Oddfellows kitchen), but the drinks were too pricey and it was famously impossible to get a bartender’s attention on a busy night.

The one thing that impressed me about it (besides its Nordeast location — I lived in the neighborhood) is that it was the first gay bar I had seen in the Twin Cities that had enormous windows that were not blackened out or boarded up. It left the ‘mos inside exposed to the blue collar and the sunlight. To me it represented a proud declaration that Minneapolis’ queers would not be kept underground and in the dark.

Oh, how I used to love standing in front of those wide-open windows on Showtunes Night, belting out “Nothing Dirty Goin’ On” from The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, being gay and free.

13
Sep
06

Citizen Sane

I always leave the voting booth with a deep sense of satisfaction. I nearly whistled as I walked home. Voting is the most basic of our panoply of rights, and I’m always proud of, and grateful for, my excursions to my polling place. Even for a primary. It’s so easy to do, yet turnout — especially on primary days — is notoriously low among our complacent populace. People are dumb. What can I say?

Today felt especially good in contrast with yesterday’s day-long mourning. (September 11, 2001, was a voting day, remember?)

America has alternated between sticking its head in the sand and up its ass since then. Sand. Ass. Sand. Ass.

Let’s hope the votes count.

13
Sep
06

My Faith in Humanity Tourists Restored

I am notorious in my own mind for leaving my card in the ATM. When withdrawing money, people are usually given their cards back these days before they are given their money — I think. Wasn’t always this way. It’s one of the great technological innovations of the last five years or so, in my opinion. Still, however, when making deposits at an ATM, we are not given our cards until after we make the deposit. The banks want their money. They don’t want people to make phantom deposits to give themselves a temporary bonanza of Monopoly money before the beancounters figure it out the next day.

So, when I make a deposit at an ATM, I almost always forget my card — until the machine starts squawking or beeping at me. There was a period a few years back when I lost my ATM card once a month for three months. It wreaked havoc on my online billing accounts. I have since recovered.

This is not to say that I am never forgetful when making withdrawals.

Tonight, when I left the ATM anteroom, I reflected rather pridefully that I didn’t forget my card. (It’s the little things, right?) However, the shocker came when a young woman ran up behind me a full block away from the bank, calling, “Sir? Sir!” to inform me that I had left the ATM without my money.

I thought she must be talking about someone else. But when I checked my wallet, the $40 I had just taken out was indeed not there. I gasped audibly.

“Some people have your money,” she said. “The people who came behind you. They’re at the bank looking for you.”

I thanked her profusely.

Then she gave me perhaps the funniest bit of information: “They’re tourists.”

I made a run for the bank.

Was that final detail meant to help me recognize them? Or was she drawing a contrast between tourists and New Yorkers, as if to say that a local would never pass up such opportunism? (I once saw a $20 sticking out of an ATM — with no one around. I walked right past the machine. When, a minute later, the devil on my left shoulder had knocked the angel off my right shoulder, I went back to the ATM and found the cash gone. Yay! With a faceless stranger safely designated the “bad guy,” I was free continue my life as a self-righteous Midwesterner.)

Either way, I made short work of that $40 at the bar minutes later.

12
Sep
06

A Technicality

I’m writing more about myself than I am comfortable with. I’m worried it shows a lack of imagination, or at least a lack of observation. Truth is, I’m starting all kinds of posts and not finishing them for weeks at a time. I’m slow. But I want them to be good!

Anyway, I take small comfort in a logical technicality. It doesn’t matter whether I write about myself or not. If I don’t write about myself, the name of this blog is clever. If I do write about myself, the name of this blog is ironic.

I win either way.

So there.




the untallied hours